If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
