If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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