The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
