How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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