Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
