I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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