Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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