you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
