My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
