I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
