he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
