There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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