i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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