dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
