Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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