Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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