I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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