At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
