his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
