TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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