i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
