Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
