Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
