The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
