garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
