ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
