I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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