How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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