She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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