I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
