Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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