In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
