He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
