i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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