so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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