i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
