I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
