Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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