i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
