is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
