Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
organizing the empties. That sober.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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