in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
