Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
