I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
