I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
