What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
