Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
