she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
