the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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