you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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