it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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